Sunday, 31 July 2016

WIFE ME, DAMMIT!

Also known as the culinarily-challenged guide to making stew.

Firstly, let's address my absence. Why was I not here? Well, I was fighting dragons in Southern Europe... is what I would have used as my excuse for not blogging these past two-ish months. But then I saw the film Wanted (the one with James McAvoy where he kills the organisation that made him believe his father was trying to kill him) and realised that telling you that I was learning to curve a bullet around Angelina Jolie sounded way cooler. So I'm sticking with the latter. 

Tomorrow night I cook for my family. Or at least I attempt to cook. My main aim is to not poison anyone. Anything substantial that I achieve during the process will be in the hand of God my saviour and holy spirit. Amen. I however hold the belief that when the Lord said, "Let not your child be free with a spatula and garlic cloves if she/he does not wisheth" that He spoke it with truth. So I shall declare that it will not be the fault of mine if I fail to produce anything more than a pot of spicy tomato sin.

But in order for me to be the good West African girl I truly know I can be( seriously wife me Jace Norman) and not be disowned by both sides of my family, I have a list of steps and ingredients. What you produce at the end of it is not my problem. I created this post with nothing but a shady looking set of ingredients written down in my memo app.

Ingredients you will need if you wish to die of food poisoning:
- 1 decent looking onion about yay big.
- 2-3 garlic cloveicles
- 2 tins of chopped tomatoes - Even if  you're like me and you believe that tomatoes are a mistake. Mine are from Costco because I didn't take business for a year just to spend an extra three British sterling pounds on canned iguana sweat.
- 2-3 tablespoons of dark soy sauce
- Oil (Any oil at all. In the end it all tastes like baby sweat anyway.)
-  A teaspoon of powdered chili ( Because why not ,eh?)
- A singular green pepper. (Or any coloured pepper at that. Be spontaneous with it. Be free man. Get loose.)
- Meat of choosing. Or meats, if you're feeling real carnivorous.

Le Steps

1) Dice everything.
2) Make fire. I hear stoves do this well.
3) Put a pan on the fire but not directly on the flame. 
4) Let the oil heat till it sounds like that sound that popping candy makes when popping candy makes sounds in your mouth sometimes.
5) Cook the meat well well my child. (That step is only funny if read in a Nigerian accent.)
6  Add the veg to the cooked meat chunklets.
7) Let the veg saute in the meat juices. Yum!
8) Add the iguana sweat.
9) Add spices and salt to try and disguise the taste of iguana sweat.
10) Let it all simmer for a unknown period of time.
11) Eat with rice.
12) Cry a little.