Thursday, 14 January 2016

9 Reasons Why Your Life Definitely Sucks

If you're expecting to take something useful away from this, you've obviously never read my blog before. 

We all know that life sucks sometimes. We've all experienced our fair share of crappy times and sucky experiences. And at some point you've probably asked yourself -"Why is my life so dull?" (Or at least I'm assuming so. You are reading this post after all.) But no longer my friend. Here's a few suggestions as to why. In fact there's 9. I really couldn't come up with another one. (Insert DJ Khaled joke here.)

1)You're sat here reading this instead of eating chicken wings.

I'm  going to assume that you've clicked on at least 5 articles in the past week almost exactly like this one.You, my discontent juniper pod, (Not an actual thing. Just something I'd imagine an 80 year old Texan woman would call you.) think that somehow reading this is magically going to point out all the flaws in your life and allow you to fix them. It won't. It won't even benefit you in the slightest. I'm not going to lie, you're better off talking to a five year old about the stock market. Stop it! Stop it now and go eat something so incredibly saturated in breadcrumbs, it would make pigeons want to cry at night. 

2)You care about people way too much.

 Have you ever heard of Wenda Urkle? No? Exactly! The last time we saw her, she was dressed in grey, eating broth in the back of a mini van. She was so intent on listening to other people's opinions that she went insane. Do you want to be Wenda Urkle? Do you? No! No you don't!
Also that was a complete lie. But all the same, stop worrying about what other people think. They don't pour your cereal and they sure as hell don't drink your damn milk. 

3)You've never clung to a wall in your life.

There's something extremely liberating about dramatically pressing yourself against a wall in front of a crowded area. It's quirky. It's fun. It's going to lose you a heck of a lot of friends. It's okay.

4)You don't say enough weird stuff.

The words: bansnadaf, wuberffle, pedonkerpel, suqard and renderfafflepukerpeus have never left your mouth. You're living in a boring old world of hellos and goodbyes.

5)You hang around with people that put you down.

If your friend:
-Gives you back handed compliments.
- Directly insults you.
-Laughs at you.
-Avoids you.
-Is embarrassed by you.
-Never listens to you.
-Tells you you're not good enough.
-Doesn't support your interests (And by God, if they don't respect your wall clinging, they're one heck of a crappy friend.)
You should stop hanging out with them. Or repetitively hit them with a bear claw until they're covered in danish pastry and refuse to speak to you again.

6)You went through high school taking subjects you hated.

You're the type of person who took sociology in high school and realised it was probably a better option to become a drug dealer than actually finish the whole course.

7)You don't allow yourself to be angry or upset.

Screw being happy all the time. The problem isn't with you if you're upset, it's with the person that's questioning if there's something wrong with you when there clearly is. Of course I'm not fine. Why would you even ask? Do smiles look like frowns you incompetent potoatowad?!

8) You've never stood up for yourself.

You've let that five year old on the bus stare you down for too long and you've never said anything.
You need to tell them what's what. Or alternatively leave them alone as they're five and clearly staring at the picture of the cartoon burger behind you.

9)You just don't do you enough.

You stopped watching Disney films a year ago because you 'outgrew' them. You stopped singing because you weren't good enough. You stopped listening to classical music because someone said your taste in music was weird. You stopped being you because you felt that someone else's opinion mattered more than yours. But it doesn't.

Now go be amazing.
Oh,and for the love of God, do not become Wenda Urkle.


    I cling dramatically to walls on a weekly basis, for health reasons.
    I say tons of weird shit. The most recent example was when I said "metagroppelized" is my favorite word, when in fact it isnt an actual word. I was disappointed to learn this. Also, instead of verbalizing my displeasure, I like to make agonized groaning/growling noises.
    And thirdly, none of my friends but me down. This is because I have no friends. I'm sitting here typing this at lunch with my earbuds in so no one talks to me.

    In all other aspects, my life is sufficiently sucky.

    1. As one should of course, maintaining a healthy balance lifestyle does require frequent wall clinging. But 2/3 is okay, our lives suck just as much as each others. I mean if you think about it we're almost the best of the worst and that's got to be something right?

  2. For your kind information, my life does not suck because I still watch Disney :D classic Disney, actually. I think everyone watches Disney movies... anyway >.>
    Great post! I might have not taken anything useful from this, you're right, but it definitely made me laugh and I think that's what counts :)

    1. Oh yeah,everyone.Of course. That is a part from me and 12% of the population of Icowaburacea, a desolate town somewhere in the corner of Africa. I kid, it's just me, Icowaburacea doesn't actually exist. And thank you, I'm glad it made you laugh.

  3. Woah, after I read this post, I realized that my life doesn't suck. At all!
    You're literally the Tina Fey of the Grand Ol' Blogosphere, Star! I (for the thousandth time) fell off my chair laughing at your observations.
    I cling to walls, I say a lot of weird stuff, I stand up for my rights, I do enough (for my age, I guess). But I don't hang out with people who put me down and thankfully, I didn't take bad subjects in school!
    Stay awesome as ever,
    Much love,
    Archie! <3

    1. So do you feel about trading lives? If it makes a difference, my life only sucks 2/3 of what it could. Lol thank you. Your comments always make me smile and you're amazing just for commenting on my posts, let alone for how spectacular your blog is.

  4. You need to start looking at the positives in life rather then dwell on the bad, life can be very short so you want to make each day the best it can be, even when you're having a bad day! That's how i'm trying to see things now, as I was a very unhappy person before.

    Meme x