Wednesday, 18 November 2015

The Art Of Repulsion

My existence is somewhat partially validated by how embarrassed someone feels by my presence.
And I love how I probably won't ever know how to pay my taxes but will always be able to call you a stupid green turtle in Spanish no matter the circumstance.

At some point in your life you will meet someone so utterly infuriating that it will physically pain you not to roll your eyes. It will be like involuntarily stepping into the depths of hell wearing nothing but cheap sunglasses and extremely teeny sandals, or accidentally stepping on a thousand needle points. It will undoubtedly suck. It will suck so much that it will seem like nothing in the world could ever suck as bad. And it's enough to make you believe it for a very long time.

Somewhere between getting spit at at a bus stop, getting hit by an obnoxiously large rubber and watching a 13 year old verbally tear someone to shreds, is where you start to realise that maybe humans just aren't as civil as you'd think. And although you'd like to walk around blissfully unaware of such things it's kind of unavoidable. Mainly because that obnoxiously large rubber was like the size of a brick and also because that guy spitting in your direction is about 1cm away from projectile spitting on your new socks.

And I, after 13 years of experience, feel as if I'm now somewhat qualified to tell you how to flee such encounters. All it really requires is cake. I mean cats. No, wait. I mean crates...or spades...or maybe manatees. That's it! All you really need is manatees.

Stage 1 requires you to identify the source of irritation. Is it that guy behind you on the bus coughing up his lungs without covering his mouth? Is it that 30 year old women sat directly opposite you on the bus shooting you death glares? Or is it that 11 year old boy who barged you in the shoulder despite having at least a meter of space to pass by in?

Stage 2 requires you to throw caution to the wind. Or rather logic to the wind. For every rational way to get yourself out of that situation, think of a completely irrational alternative to it. The guy in your class made a sexist comment perhaps. Glare at him for a while and then repetitively hit him with your paperback. Maybe someone pushes in front of you in the dinner line. Aggressively cough in close proximity to them and begin scratching your arms vigorously whilst whispering the word itchy.

Other techniques include:
-Kicking them in their shins and slathering their faces in full fat butter.
-Chewing gum loudly in their faces.
-Replacing their semi skimmed milk with almond or soya milk. Or worse full fat milk.
- Reciting Shakespeare in their faces in intense rap verses.
-Replicating that dance drake does in hotline bling.

Stage 3 is where you locate your exit points. If there is not a fire exit within a few meters of you, reconsider your approach. This can be done by dividing the distance of which it takes to leave the area plus the distance it takes to make your way over to a doughnut shop and a burger king, by the average speed of which you plan to run at whilst carrying a box of doughnuts and attempting to eat that burger.

Stage 4 simply requires you to put step 2 into action and run. There's a likely chance that guy on the bus coughing is a heavy weight boxer and the fact that you've just thrown a box of Kleenex and a jar of vapor rub in his face doesn't help the situation whatsoever.

And that is how you repel a human and or get attacked a heavy weight boxer. Same thing.

Also excuse my pages section. It is currently under construction so if you see any disappearing tabs it's probably just me trying to execute some coding technique but failing miserably at it.


  1. The first line of this entire post is so so true. As for the rest of it, thank you for the tips. I feel like I get irritated by too many people in this world.

    The Life of Little Me

    1. A very late response to your comment but thank you M. I know how you feel.