Thursday, 12 November 2015

The 13 Year Old Grump

I'm like a 54 year old man in a 13 year old body.


I am cat. Cat is I. We are one. 
The same goes for your Latino uncle.
It's like that with him too.

Everyone has that one uncle. The one that's constantly criticizing today's society and frowning upon the political system because "those politicians are just so dang corrupt". He's the one wearing those old school Crocs and claiming sugar's basically the same as meth but a lot more legal. The weird thing here is that I don't have that uncle. I am that uncle. Minus the Crocs.

I feel as if I should clarify that I am a girl and not some 50 year old catfish. Calling myself an uncle however, seemed more fitting for this post. So for the meanwhile, I give you permission to view me as your 54 year old uncle with the protruding pot belly and stubbly chin. I'd also appreciate it if you could call me Pepito once in a while. And maybe imagine me with a sombrero and a malt drink in hand for good measure. 

I am without a doubt the 13 year old equivalent to your 54 year old Latino uncle. I'm also a grump. And as a grump I feel as if it's my duty to educate you on a few of the many grump traits. Let's get to it.

A guide to spotting a 13 year old grump, or a Latino uncle. Potato-potato.

If you're that one 13 year old sat in maths class hushing the people around you, you are a 13 year old grump.

If you're that 13 year old child sat in science class screaming "HUSH CHILDREN!!" in a stereotypical British accent, you are a 13 year old grump.

If you're that person stood in the streets angrily yelling at birds, firstly, what even are you? Secondly you're insane. Stop it.

If you're that 13 year old child trying to persuade your class that Pythagoras was your uncle, you are a 13 year old compulsive liar.

If you're that 13 year old child capable of giving someone the silent treatment for 2 days straight, you are a damn hero. I applaud you.

If you're that 13 year old child mocking your friend for getting a mark less than you in a maths test despite knowing how hard she studied for it, you are a 13 year old idiot. Too harsh?

If you're that 13 year old child staring down the guy a few tables across yours for no particular reason, you are a 13 year old grump. 

If you're that thirteen year old child shouting at students for running in the corridors, you are a thirteen year old grump. And get a moped you granddad.

If you're that that thirteen year old child lecturing students on how litterbugs are the plague of our society, you are a thirteen year old grump.

If you're that thirteen year old child not wondering why Dora is still allowed to roam the jungle with nothing but a talking map and a clearly over evolved monkey... I don't even know. There should be no person on this Earth not questioning Dora's amount of excessive freedom.

If you're a 13 year old child contemplating the various ways in which you could start a slightly illegal iguana trading business south of the Mexican border, just please contact me immediately.

I may or may not display all of these traits.


    You, clearly, are the next Rick Riordan, my dear!
    And no, I don't think you're a grump. Grumps can never be hilarious!
    Stay awesome as ever,
    Much love,
    Archie <3

  2. I am the 14 year old girl who grumbles "walk faster, peasants" in the hallways. I am a 14 year old grump.

    I am a 14 year old girl who spends Biology emiting loud sighs because the class is too damn SLOW why are these people so DUMB
    I'm a 14 year old grump.

    I am the 14 year old girl who tell the person in front of me with a face like the mood of stale Cheerios and piss "May fire rain down upon you like 2nd graders on a pizza."
    I'm a...person...who...calls curses down upon people, I guess.

    I am the 14 year old girl who, when in a good mood, will narrate my life with a horrible British accent and dissolve into giggles.
    I'm strange.

    I am a 14 year old girl who found this post and enjoyed it so much it has become my favorite thing.

    1. You are my new favorite being Gwen and your comment has to be my favorite of all time. I'd also recommend screaming "REPENT" as you walk through the hallways. It's got the same effect as "walk faster, peasant" but with a more ' I'm in a religious cult and I will turn you into a leech if you mess with me' sort of feel. I also now own crocs, so I do fully qualify as your Latino uncle if you're ever in need of one.