Tuesday, 19 May 2015

Ways To End A Phone Conversation

This includes but is not limited to conversations with:
cold callers
annoying friends
irritating exes
and dolphins.

Sometimes you just don't want to hold a conversation.The chit chats mind numbingly boring and you're struggling to keep your eyes open at the words of  an unengaging being. If you've ever been stuck in a situation where it feels like there's no escape from this hell, be assured that you'll face it no more friend. Now commences 'Ways To End A Phone Conversation'. Read at your own risk.

1) Speak gibberish.
Confuffle ( not an actual word) their brains with a mass of made up words. I do it all the time.

2) Start yelling very nice compliments really aggressively to confuse them.

3) Start a conversation and ask about their day.
Completely dismiss the subject at hand and proceed to question them on the goings-on of their life?

4) Pick up the phone and say nothing.
Nothing says I don't want to talk to you more than pure and utter silence.

5) Act really creepy and talk in a deep breathy voice.
If you can accurately imitate the voice of Liam Neeson in this scene, you'll be guaranteed an abrupt end to your conversation.

An alternative to number 5 is to learn the words from this scene and whisper it down the phone.

6) Tattle on them.
In the most petulant voice you can do, scream "I'm telling my mom on you" and squeal. Even if you're 91 and living with cats, this is still effective.

7) Put your cat on the phone.
Nothings creepier than an unexpected meow.

8) Yell things like:
-I'm on to you!!!
-I hate fish cakes!
-Ain't nobody got time for this!
Or continuously repeat these 5 phrases in the most sinister voice you can summon.

9) Ask them really personal questions about their life.
Their age, gender( you can probably infer this already, which is why they won't see the question coming) surname, mothers maiden name, fathers first name. If they've ever had any pets in their lifetime. How many calories they consume in a day. Just a general overview.

10) Recite a sonnet from Shakespeare.
Because lets be honest here, who actually understands this:
Farewell! thou art too dear for my possessing,
And like enough thou know'st thy estimate,
The charter of thy worth gives thee releasing;
My bonds in thee are all determinate.
For how do I hold thee but by thy granting?
-I recommend sonnet 87 for it's effectiveness.

11) Act out a scene from a Shakespearean play.
Just like the sonnet, it's equally as baffling.

12) Pretend your a witch and start conjuring spells.
Induce fear in the babbling conversationalist who sits and waits for your input somewhere down the line. Frighten them with your horrid cackles and fearful words.

And if all fails, play this as loud as you can near the phone.

Or maybe just read them this post, they'll be sure to get the message.

So that's how you do it. If you have any other ways that I haven't mentioned, comment them down below. I hope you enjoyed reading this and if you do try any of these out make sure to tell me what you think.

I'm out.


  1. This is quite possibly my favorite post ever.
    I will be trying all of these. xD Especially #5, #6, and #12
    I am most definitely looking forward to being 91 with all my cats screaming "I'M TELLING" into my phone. xD
    (and I can't stop laughing at that last video)

    1. I think it might be my favorite from the ones I've written. You must tell me how it works out for you when you try them. I'm guessing they'll have totally positive outcomes when you do. And it's me and you both then, 91 and living with cats screaming at random people down the phone. It sounds like a good life.

  2. "I'M NO FOOL SON" is the best advice I've ever gotten

  3. Love. This Post. I always have no idea how to end phone calls. EVER. This was very helpful. But I would also shout insults in german.

    1. Thank you and oh my goodness I can't believe I missed that one out. Angry German insults is now officially the 13th method to ending a phone conversation. Now to learn some German.

  4. confluffle should totally be a word. i was about to google it until you said that it's not an actual word haha :P
    this is hilarious! i love 3, 4 and 5.
    brilliant <3

    1. I know right, I've been trying to make it an official word for ages but all these Oxford people keep rejecting it. Thank you Nymisha.

  5. These are great! I love #8! It's hilarious. :) And four. I would probably do 4. I use it for face-to-face conversations sometimes. People start asking to many questions and I just stop answering.

    I can't stand talking on the phone. If I don't want to talk, I just don't answer... Not that many people actually call me.

    1. Thank you. Wait you don't actually have to pick up the phone? Golly,the world looks so different now. I do 4 all the time, it's actually quite entertaining. I don't get many calls either.

  6. I love this post, it made me laugh so much. "I hate fish cakes" XD


    1. Thank you Noor. Fish cakes ughh They're like mutant potatoes. Mutants I tell you! XD ( I'm going to keep that going even though I actually find fishcakes quite tasty)

  7. I can't think of anything amazing to say because I'm too busy dying of laughter!

    1. BREATHE WOMAN BREATHE!!! Not many people know this, but laughter if not regulated can be very dangerous. So technically this post might be a safety hazard and I think the words you're missing are "ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh turtles" :P

  8. Whenever an unknown number calls, I actually do the "picking up and saying nothing" thing. Then I do a random creepy laugh and hang up. *sighs* I love my life.

    O | Life as a Young Lady

    1. Ain't it just the loveliest thang when you can totally creep someone out through the phone. I think it's a talent O. Lol

  9. Great post xx :) really funny :)

  10. Wow you are absolutely hilarious girl! :) LOVE your blog!
    A magazine and blog written by girls, for girls.